Friday, December 5, 2014

Tears Stream Down Your Face When You Lose Something You Cannot Replace

It has almost been two months since Jamieson came and left all in the same day. I miss him so much and everything reminds me so much of him. I look through my phone and I see his pictures. I don't dare delete them. They are the only thing I have left of him that I can actually hold. I remember it like it was yesterday.

I had gone for a check up with my OB on that Thursday. The ultrasound technician noticed something was different with my cervix. My OB came to check and she said she was concerned that my cervix was funneling and wanted me to get a second opinion with a specialist. That same day, she made the appointment to go see the specialist. The specialist checked and she said "Your little cowboy looks fine and your cervix looks great!" So I went on my merry way. 
He was just so perfect. My sweet little Jamieson Wade
On Saturday of that same week, a gush of water had come out of me. My heart stopped for a minute and I started crying. J was trying to console me and telling me that I probably just peed myself and everything would be ok. I knew it wasn't pee. I called my on call doctor and he said the same thing J said. I tried not to worry, but my gut was telling me otherwise. On Sunday, I felt Jamieson move around and it made me feel a little better. On Monday, I didn't feel anything and thought that was normal. Tuesday was pretty much the same. On Wednesday, I was getting ready to go see my chiropractor and I noticed something weird. I almost fainted. This was not normal! I called J and told him I was heading to the ER. I text my mother in law and she text my sister in law. My SIL rushed to be by my side (which I am thankful she was) to keep me company. Then, my hubs left work to come stay with me and so did my father in law. My brother in law came by to visit for a bit. He had to go to work so he couldn't stay long. We waited almost 2 hours and finally a doctor and nurse came in to check on me. 

My worst fear was coming true. I had a gut feeling of what the doctor was going to say. "I'm so sorry, but you are having a miscarriage." Those are words no mommy to be wants to hear. This baby that we had prayed for and struggled to have was being taken back to heaven. All I could do at that moment is cry and pray, cry and pray. All the hugs and prayers I got were not enough to console me. My water did break on Saturday. My gut was right all along. The doctor gave us a few minutes and then came back and said I should go see my OB because he wasn't sure if it was a miscarriage. There was still hope that my baby was ok. 

We rushed to see my OB and when she checked me, she confirmed that indeed I was miscarrying Jamieson. He was heading out and I needed to deliver him soon. She told me it was because I have an incompetent cervix. Everything was a blur and went by so fast. I felt numb. This was not happening to me. Why was it happening to me? I did everything right. I ate healthy, stayed active, and did everything I was told to do. Why?! 

Why? Because this world was not ready for him. This ugly world we live in wasn't prepared for my amazing little angel. God wanted him back. 
I'll always love you and miss you dearly
They prepped me and 2 hours later at 5:45 pm on October 15, 2014, on our 3rd year wedding anniversary, I delivered Jamieson into this world. The nurse took him away to wash him and wrap him up so J and I could see him and hold him for the first and last time. I asked the nurse to give me pain medicine, not because I was in pain, and if I was in pain, I couldn't feel it. I asked for it so I could just be numb and not feel anything. I so regret getting the meds. They brought Jamieson to us all wrapped up in a little blanket. He was so tiny. Only weighed 4.4 ounces. My sweet little boy. His little ears, nose, eyes, and mouth were perfect. His little hands and feet were so tiny. Oh how I wish I could be holding him in my arms now. I regret the pain meds because when I was holding him, I couldn't cry. I was crying and screaming inside, but I just couldn't physically cry. 

I won't ever forget that day. The day I delivered my sweet little boy too soon. Those 18 weeks I carried him in my womb, were the best weeks of my life. I know he's in a better place. He's with his other sibling (which I miscarried at 6 weeks on my hubs' birthday a year ago), family members, and friends that we have lost. God only knows why he wasn't meant to be in this world. But because of Jamieson and his sibling, I am a mom. I will always be a mom even if I end up not having anymore kids. I am a childless mother, but I am a mom.
I am a Mom to two sweet angels.
I want to thank everyone again, for the amazing support that both J and I have gotten. The prayers and thoughts help so much. I can't thank my parents, my in laws, and close friends enough. They've been amazing and I am forever grateful for the love and care. God bless you all for being there for me and J.

God always has a reason for things happening. We may never know why, but he does it because better things are yet to come. It's all in His time. My life has already been written. I just need to be patient and let Him guide me through this journey.


  1. Still so sorry this happened! We pray everyday! Love you so much

    1. Kelly, you are so sweet! Thank you for always checking up on me. I am so thankful to have you as one of my closest friends. God bless you and your family. Love you guys!