Monday, March 9, 2015

You Make Beautiful Things Out of Us

I know God has a plan for us all. It's hard to be patient sometimes, especially when it's something that your heart wants so bad. See, the truth is that I looooove kids with all of my heart, but when I was younger, I always said I didn't want to have my own kids because I didn't want to go through the pain of childbirth. So stupid of me to think that way. I would do anything to go through that pain to have just one baby of my own. Also, I believe I wasn't with the right person at that time to make me want to have kids. I met my hubs and immediately I wanted nothing else but to have his children.

Before a year ago, I was a nanny for 12 years. I love taking care of little kids and I fell in love with the idea of me being a mommy. I had to quit my job because my hubs and I thought it was a good idea if I didn't have any stress in my life to help me conceive. Also, my doctor said I was too stressed out and I needed to find some way to relax. Easier said than done, right? So I "retired" from being a nanny and my main focus was to try and get pregnant. Ha! No one told me trying to conceive would be a full time job! That is a lot of stress for one person to deal with. Especially if you've tried for 3 1/2 years and got pregnant and had a miscarriage at 6 weeks. Then with the help from God, our fertility doctor, and IUI. We were able to get pregnant in June 2014. We were both so thrilled that our first IUI had worked. The first IUI we tried back in May, we had to cancel because the injections were making my ovaries overstimulate and doctor didn't want me to become the next Octo Mom. Dr. G didn't want to risk it, so we canceled that round. I am give thanks to God everyday, that he gave me a chance to carry Jamieson for 18 weeks. I mean, I had a lot of doctors telling me it will be a slim chance that I will ever get pregnant. Ha! In your face, doctors, God did showed them that He is the only one who knows our plan.
I still love our announcement. It'll forever be Jamieson's announcement

So now we are here, March 2015. I've been dreading this month. One, because it was my sweet boy's EDD (estimated due date) and second, I had so many friends pregnant at the same time as me and all I see on Instagram and FB is them giving birth to their babies and others announcing their pregnancies. Now, I'm not trying to say "Oh, poor me!" so that people can feel sorry for me. No, all I'm trying to do is show you my real emotions. I am super excited for all of my friends giving birth and announcing their pregnancies, but it still hurts when I think that this month I would've been announcing the birth of Jamieson. I am not jealous for my friends, because it is not my plan. I am happy and pray that they have a safe and healthy pregnancy and delivery. Yeah, I still stare at pregnant women at the store and yes, sometimes I wish that could be me pregnant or carrying my newborn. This month is just really tough for me. Oh, and the rain hasn't helped one bit. 

I went to get blood work done this morning and when I left my doctor's office, in the elevator was a pregnant woman with her mom and she looked about 12-16 weeks pregnant. As soon as the elevator doors opened, I walked as fast as I could to my car so I could cry. Of course, when I cry, my whole face gets red and my eyes get swollen. I'm not one of those cute girls that cry and they still look perfect. Nope, not me. So after I gave myself a pity party in my car, I went to the grocery store. I had people starring at me; some looked concerned and others gave me a smile. I try to be tough, but sometimes, it's ok to not be. Crying doesn't make you a weak person, it just means that you have been strong for too long. 

To all of my tcc friends going through infertility or/and a loss, please know that you are not alone and it's ok to give yourself a pity party. I do it all the time when I'm alone. Be patient and sooner or later we will all have what our heart desires. God bless!

-Mrs B


  1. Love you Sindi! I am so glad you are sharing your emotions and feelings. I think this is a struggle many women go through and it is not talked about enough. The toughest battles go to the strongest soldiers! Stay strong my love. XOXO

    1. Thank you sweet lady for the sweet words. This is a very tough battle I'm going through. One of the tough battles of many, but you are right about the toughest battles go to the strongest soldiers. It has made me a stronger person, that's for sure. Love you!!! Thanks for being a great friend!