Sunday, March 13, 2016

But the silence, it got so loud I wish I knew what I know now

I know I haven't posted much in like 5 months, but I needed a break from blogging. Sometimes a break is really needed when you are going through what I or anyone going through infertility has gone through. 

The past 3 months have been really crazy. To start off, December was awesome. Had a great time at our Ugly Sweater party and celebrating Christmas with my family and our friends. New Year's was fun. We had my friend and her kiddos come hang out with us even though I had the flu. Yuck. So here comes the crazy part. I was sick for 2 weeks. Like, I'm about to die or I think I have cancer (that's why I'm not allowed to google my symptoms anymore haha) but it turned out to be the dang flu. Ugh. Then, on January 6th, a day before my birthday, I POAS (Peed On A Stick) just for schlitz and giggles. 

I had me :-D
Ok, before I go any further, we were waiting for my period to start so we could go forward with FET numero 4. My period hadn't started even after I took Provera for 7 days to force start my period. Finally, January 6th came around which was 4 days after my last proverb and I should've started my period and I was like, you know what, I have an extra pregnancy test lying around, sure, let me take it since I am a POAS addict. Well, to my surprise, the digital test said "pregnant" less than 2 minutes. I seriously thought something was wrong with that stupid test. I kept banging it against my hand...yes I looked pretty silly. The only time I had that happened to was with my first natural pregnancy (which resulted in a miscarriage at 6 weeks). So I was surprised that I had gotten a "pregnant" on the test window. Oh, I forgot to mention that I took this at like midnight and the hubster was fast asleep. It took all of me to not wake him up or tell him the next morning before he left for work. I waited until he left for work at 6:30 am and I drove to Wally World to buy 5 different pregnancy test. Yes, I spent like around $50 but I needed to make sure, so no judging!

I went home holding my pee since like 12 am. peed in one of those pee cups and dipped all 5 of them at the same time. All 5 tests didn't take more than a minute to come up positive. This time i freaked out and said a prayer thanking God and hoping that this baby would stick around. I called my fertility doctor and they told me to come to the clinic to get blood drawn. I go there at 9:30 am. Went and helped my friend who had pocked her eye when I told her I had 6 positive tests. Her eye was hurting and she couldn't see, so I went to her school where she teaches and where I oddly went to 5th and 6th grade to pick her up. As I am following her to her house to make sure she got home safe, my clinic calls me and says, "Umm, Sindi, we need you come back ASAP. Your HCG levels are 10,000 and according to your LMP (Last Menstrual Period) you would only be 4 weeks. So they thought I was pregnant with multiples. I was like "whaaaaaaa?! No! I just found out I am pregnant and now I'm pregnant with multiples?" Yeah, I think I drove like 20 miles above speed limit...which I never do ;-) suuuuuure. But that's besides the story.

My 7 1/2 week bump...which was really just bloat haha
 I get there and they want to do an ultrasound. What happened next was the next best thing after my sweet baby Jamieson, I could have ever experienced. We (I dragged my friend with me) saw the heartbeat! Baby Barker 3 was measuring 7 1/2 weeks!!! Whaaaa?! No multiples, so that was a little relief, but what?! So I counted 7 1/2 back and it turns out that it put us right on our Fredericksburg trip on Thanksgiving weekend. All that relaxing, drinking wine, not worrying about having to take medications or shots at a certain time and the weekly acupunctures must've helped. Not to mention, God's amazing grace.

Anyways, back to me hearing the heartbeat and finding out I'm almost 8 weeks along. I'm on a huge cloud 9. I still hadn't told the hubs anything. I was waiting till he got home and it was making me anxious. I finally get home after picking my brother up from the airport cause he came home from being done with the army, woot!! My friends had helped me out by giving me ideas on how to tell the hubs that "helloooooo, i'm pregnant! Surprise!" I told him by giving him a "late Christmas present." Gave him a gift bag full of things that had baby on the packages (Thanks for the idea Dana!) like, baby carrots, babybel, baby bottle pops, and I can't remember what else and at the bottom I wrapped all 6 tests and under that I had the sonogram pictures of our sweet little baby. He went through the bag and still didn't get it until he unwrapped the pregnancy tests. He thought I was just prepping him for our 4th FET until he saw the sonogram pictures. We both cried and held each other. The following day (my birthday) I had another appointment with my fertility doctor to check my levels. All the nurses came to hug me and said what an awesome birthday present. I said "Yes, I don't want anything at all but this baby to be born full term." My fertility doctor even came over and hugged me and said he couldn't believe it. He said, "It just shows you that someone up there is in control." I cried and said "yes, yes He is." 

The 3 weeks that came and went were the best and then on the 2nd week I started bleeding. It scared me but I knew God was in control. I went to the clinic, the doctor did an ultrasound and baby was fine. He told me to go home and that I was on mandatory bed rest. A week later, I started bleeding again, on the day that I was going to see my OB for the first time for this pregnancy. They rushed me back to fertility clinic to check the baby. The hubster was there with me and we waited, which seemed like hours, months, years. Finally, the other Dr that sees me when Dr G isn't there, comes in and starts the ultrasound. While he was checking my uterine lining, my eyes went directly to our baby....I knew as soon as I saw him/her that there was no heartbeat. Time stood still and my heart stopped beating for a few seconds as the Dr confirmed what I already knew. All that popped in my head was, "why? Why did this happen? Was this a tease? God, why? I don't want to question your ways, but why?" All I kept hearing was, "I've got something better prepared for you my child." As upset as I was, I knew that He does have a plan for us and I just need to leave it all in His hands. 

This miscarriage was so hard on me. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. It took a huge hit on my depression (which I've talked about me being clinically depressed since I was 15). I hadn't taken my antidepressants in a couple of years cause i hate taking them because my antidepressant was running and working out. Anyways, for the next few weeks I stayed away from friends and family. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I think the reason why I took this so hard was because I had naturally gotten pregnant for the 2nd time and I felt like it was a gift that had been taken away so abruptly. I felt like a child that got their favorite toy taken away for no reason. 

That same week of my missed miscarriage, I was scheduled for a D&C because I was so far along for me to naturally miscarry. The D&C was scheduled for that Friday. From Tuesday through Friday, I just held my barely there bump and cried. Cried that I was carrying a lifeless fetus. My lifeless baby was inside me and I couldn't do anything. I felt helpless. I felt like a mother that couldn't help their child no matter what she did. Friday came along and as they are prepping me, I couldn't stop crying. I was so upset that they had to give me something to calm me down before the surgery. After the surgery was done (a total of 20 minutes) 2 hours later I was sent home. I felt empty and didn't want to be around anyone. 

2 Weeks later, I had a follow up and I couldn't stop crying when I was talking to my Dr so he put me back on my antidepressants. I was upset to be back on them but am thankful I am taking them because it has helped me a lot. I hate depending on pills, but sometimes we do need them and it's ok to ask for help. My Dr did do a testing on the baby to see if he/she had any chromosomal abnormalities. We just got the results last week and they came back normal, which is a relief. So now we are getting prep for more testing. More blood work getting done to see why I have spontaneously lost 2 babies in the first trimester. Jamieson doesn't count because we know it was because of my incompetent cervix. Since this last baby had no abnormalities, there was no reason for me to miscarry unless I have an immunological disorder. Which puts us at getting at this new path. Along with my Dr, we will be including another Dr that specializes with multiple miscarriages and immunology. I am feeling hopeful and just letting God be in control. Do I feel like giving up at times? Yes! A million times yes, but we've come so far and it would just be a waste to give up now. I think we are getting one step closer to one day having that baby or babies in our arms. I can't wait to be able to post pictures of my baby on Facebook and Instagram like all my friends do. I am happy for them and I love seeing all those cute baby/kid pictures they all post. Do I envy them, yes, because guess what? I am a human being and I get all those feelings everyone else experiences. I am being as raw as I can be with ya. There's no holding back with my feelings when it comes to my blogging. My post are meant to help someone and anyone out there that has kept their infertility and losses a secret or anyone wanting to give up. I want you to know that you are not alone. There are many of us out there in the world and you have lots of support. 
Thank you to my amazing friend for this beautiful bracelet. NEVER GIVE UP

I want to thank all of my family and friends and strangers that have reached out to me even when I didn't want anyone around. You guys are the reason I keep going and why I am stronger each day. Much love to all. God bless!

"Never give up on something that you can’t go a day without thinking about."

— Sir Winston Churchill

-Mrs B

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